I Aspire to Nothing

I'm at a point in my life where I can see my future in all its glory, but unafraid of it because I'm still safe knowing I still have time to relax while at school. (Also what makes my life 100x better is knowing now that the university I want to go to doesn't need to know the score I got for my ATAR[finals]) I went to a university expo with a friend on Saturday in the city. I wasn't really overly excited because we've beento these at school, and I can never find a university that I'm satisfied with. But I've realised that at the school things, they only offer the major universities in the area - so like Sydney uni, UTS, NSWU and so on. But, like it was meant to be, the first booth I saw was the New York Film Academy. I think I'm in love. I'd be studying film production for two years on the sunshine coast in Australia (where they're now setting up a campus) and I'd be able to write and produce (and star) in 8 of my own short films. EIGHT! It's amazing :)

But then I look back and see all those friends I'd be leaving behind and all my friends I see who have no dream, what-so-ever. They're fine just cruising through school until they finish. I don't know how they can stand it. My biggest fear is my future, and I've made up for that by always having a plan, even if it changes all the time. Before film I wanted to be a biochemist or a geneticist and before that I wanted to be a writer. I've always had dreams, big dreams, and no matter how hard or outlandish they may seem, no matter the annoying looks people give me that say, "poor girl, she doesn't know what she's getting into" I've always pushed it and kept up with my plans. But I've met others that don't think that way, and I just can't understand. But maybe that's just me.

My friend told me once that she also had wanted to be an actor, but she thought that she was too fat. Firstly I thought how could she think like that? Either she didn't want it enough or she didn't have the will power to lose it. Secondly I though, if she thinks she's too fat to be an actor, what does she think of me when I'm probably her size or more. But it makes me kind of sad. I have other friends who just don't know what they want to do in life, including my sister.

I'm never sure of what my life's going to turn out like, and if I could ask the world anything, it'd be to know if I'm going to get to where I want to be. But since I know I won't get that, all I have is God and knowing that I'll push through no matter how hard it gets.

I'm excited and scared for life, but how about you? Have you given up or do you still have your dreams?

Is Perfect Real?

PERFECT: conforming absolutely to the description or definition of an idea type.

dictionary.com

In my philosophy class last year, which I was only half awake for, we learnt about a philosopher - Socrates I think - who said we come from a before time where we have seen a perfect place and perfect people, and that we are only a imperfect mold of this perfect person, left to live in our world which is obviously less that perfect; horrible and disgraceful one might say.

I'm a christian, so what the bible says I believe, I guess. But being a very lazy christian, I haven't really gotten around to reading much of the Bible as of yet, so whatever it says about where we came from I don't know. So I have my own version which follows sort of how Socrates believed it to be. I believe that in the before time we saw God and His perfectness, so when we come to earth and see all its not so perfectness, we go desperately searching for it. That's just it, isn't it? We're all searching for some sort of perfectness that we're not sure exists at all. We're all trying to look and act perfect, to know everything or everyone, or just simply to find that perfect person for us.

And people wonder why depression is a big thing.

Perfectness is a subjective term - no one opinion is right, but still everyone fights against that statement. I guess that's the world's down fall - everyone is opinionated.

"One man's perfection, is another man's not good enough"

A guy on Yahoo answers described perfection like this - perfection is when everything is in its place and correct. i find that seeking for perfection is a beautiful journey and knowing it can never be reached is even better .. because once it is reached ( not that it ever will be ) there is nothing else there , no learning , no searching , no excitement

give me seeking every time .. i don't want the journey to end.

But when does striving for perfection become too much. When does skipping another meal to stay skinny become your down fall. When does staying at work all day and night to finish projects ruin your family life. And when does the pressure dealt out by everyone else to be perfect destroy everything we are?

A lot of people really believe that it's just the girls that are obsessed with the idea of being perfect, but that's just because guys don't talk about it. Trust me, I've seen enough guys on the verge of breaking down under the pressure. They just won't admit it.

So what is perfection? Is it even real or achievable? What do you do to reach perfectness or do you even believe in it?

The Get to Know

What do you really know about me?

What do I really know about myself?

I have created this blog for myself, after a bit of a possibly life changing night, to maybe figure out what I'm doing and where I'm going. Maybe you can help me out, or maybe I can help you out too. I haven't lived much of a life as of yet, as I am only 16, but I always feel like time is slipping through my fingers every time I glance at the clock.

I have this thing with being remembered. People have called me an attention seeker or arrogant if that's all I think about life. But I want to be remember still, for being great, for being different, but I'm always just a little bit out of eye sight to the world.

In my little bio to the side, I've said how I'm an aspiring actress. Also writer and director. Anything in film would be amazing actually. It's silly I know, to believe that I can have it all in that business, in these times, where everyone wants it too, and, as of yet, I don't really know how to distinguish myself from the rest who wish the same. I hope that through the next year or two I can really figure that out.

Next year I enter my final year of school. That starts in exactly 106 days, and just the thought of it makes me sick. I have watched many times all the girls from my school (as I go to an all girls school) who have finished, they all cry and hug and are excited and happy. I think I'm going to be the one that just cries hysterically because she doesn't want to leave. Tonight I went to this lecture about studying at Kings university in London, which would be amazing, but I seem to just be coming up with excuses for not going.

I'm scared I'll blink one day and I'll be 50 and it'll all be too late.

Question: What do you really want to be when you grow up, or what did you want to be and didn't have the chance?

My One Opportunity

Hello, nice to meet you. Have I met you before? I'm sure I've seen you somewhere. Welcome none the less, it's great to have you here. If you don't know me, I go by the Queen of Hearts, but others just call me Hannah Jane. I'm opinionated, like every other somebody out there. You don't have to listen to me - I really don't expect anyone to listen to me really. But I have some words you might be interested in; some stories of a life not lived yet, and dreams of a girl who lives in the bubble of her imagination. But I hope you enjoy it.

I'd like to start making a mark on this world by making a mark on your brain, so please help me along, comment if you like, I'd like to talk to you if you're out there.

Let me inspire you as I plan to inspire for a life time with this one song I can't get out of my head.